My first emotional vent on a blog

First, more of the diagnosis story will be coming, but I was too tired last night to keep going.  And sleep is such a precious thing these days, even with sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds it is very difficult.  I didn't sleep last night even with those things in place.

So I just need to put this out there.  All of you that know me, know that I am a very organized, controlled, okay, OCD, type A personality.  With that being said, I am really struggling with the fact my life is surreal right now, I feel as if I have no control and so many other people have control of my life. 

So here it is, please don't second guess my decisions right now.  Don't question what I have decided about my treatment or my life in general.  I only have control over a few things right now, and each beautiful little decision I have control over is something that I gratefully consider and hold onto as much as possible.  Each decision I come to I typically have to talk to 3 doctors and Sean about.  As a whole we all agree on things before the conclusion is made, none of my decisions at this point will be hasty.  This whole "being sick", "asking for help", and "not being a control freak/OCD person" is really hard for me right now, so bear with me for today! And most likely for the next 12 months:)

Okay, wow, that was good, I am glad I got all that out.  It is funny how the smallest things can trigger such emotions these days.  Again, the stress and lack of sleep are wearing on me lately.  I love all of you and I am grateful for everything, most importantly your permission to fully feel all of these emotions (whatever/whenever they may be) and know that I am supported by those who love me!   Okay more to come later with the diagnosis story.