Okay, a quick post to update everyone about the last week of doctor appointments and testing. I had an MRI of my breast, which was crazy. I hope no one ever experiences cancer but if you are claustrophobic you will need heavy sedatives to cope with all of these tests. I have had an MRI before, no big deal. The shear size of the machine is overwhelming, oh and the loudness. This MRI was a bit off putting for me, and here is why.
The MRI was to be done with a contrasting agent via IV and timed. So I had to lay face down like superman, I mean wonder woman, style with and IV in my left arm. My boobs were then tugged through two holes in the table and the nurse was literally pulling them through the holes....like I was a freaking cow....awesome, I guess dignity and self image were not included in my care plan these days!
Then once my boobs were adequately though these holes and I was laying perfectly still the nurse informed me that she was then going to place a box around my boobs! Really.... Really! I need to feel like I can escape at any point and now my boobs are tethered to this damn table and my arm will be of no help either, great! I start to freak in my mind....just a bit....I ask the nurse, can you put the headphones on me NOW! She did, and I had a few tears about to fall when I said, fairly stern, "just play Dave Matthews, and turn it up!" That was a horrible hour of testing.
Anyway, results confirmed that the cancer in my right breast has nearly doubled in size since beginning of November and the cancer is still in my lymph nodes. My left breast still appears to be clear, however,
she didn't get the memo that it doesn't matter, I am getting rid of her too, I am not dealing with this shit ever again! :)
So when this cancer so graciously consumed our lives, Sean and I were overwhelmed, but knew that fertility was one of our biggest concerns. I just kept crying saying,"we need to have a baby!". I think as a woman I feel like that is something I want to give my partner, and a child is a true reflection of your partnership. I was devastated, yeah cancer sucks, but not to have a baby was to hard to imagine. Sean and I had spoke about adoption when we first got together and we were both open to that, but now we look at adoption differently. Yes we would still adopt, but now it seems more like and option we would choose because I am broken goods, or we have been defeated, that sounds so harsh when I type it, but I could focus on nothing other than what it would be like to hold "our" baby someday.
So everyone in KC was telling us if we had a chance at fertility related to cancer we needed to see this Dr. Kim through KU Med Center. My doctor offices, yes plural, worked and were able to get me into see him on Monday, Dec 6. He is definitely a research doctor, he is a bit socially awkward, and speaks in percentages/graphs and has minimal eye contact.....whatever.....just help us!
So he looks over my history and gave us the following options. Do nothing and hope that chemo does not kill all my folicles, do low dose hormones to stimulate ovaries to harvest eggs, do a laproscopic surgery to harvest and freeze my whole ovary, and if none of those things work out then after treatment I might be eligible for donor egg embryo. Wow, here my OCD and me have been begging to make some type of decision or have some type of control over my life over the last 4 weeks and now this huge decision is before us and I appear to be crumbling. I say crumble, b/c at first it seemed like I had no idea what to even think and definitely didn't know which option to choose.
Here is the things to factor in on what to decide. My cancer is driven by hormones, so if we harvest and freeze the eggs, they first need hormone stimulation, so this has potential to feed my cancer. The other thing is this fertility doctor has around 10 days to complete whatever we choose, because my oncologist is very concerned that the mass in my breast is doubled in size and overall this cancer is more aggressive than originally thought. The other things to consider is that chemo my make my sterile. And finally, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome(PCOS), which means that my ovaries do not release eggs and they sit on my ovarian wall and could potentially become cysts. Oh and no insurance will cover the ovarian harvesting b/c it is so new, but Dr. Kim has a deal with KU Med that it would only be $6000, which in the fertility world would be a hell of a deal. When making the decision the money was never a factor, but still! Ahhhhh, yes my friends, not so easy! All I want is a freaking baby!!!!!
Sean and I agreed that the hormone stimulating egg harvesting was absolutely out of the question and we thought that our oncologist would also agree with that decision. So it boiled down to, doing a laproscopic surgery that would harvest the ovary or do nothing and pray I was fertile after chemo. An ultrasound was preformed and my PCOS
Sean and I sat in the car in the parking lot, Sean was optimistic and happy that we were even given options, I was not at that emotional place just yet. I was in the pissed stage, so here I go. I am angry that Sean and I even have to waste our time with thinking about any of these treatment options, including cancer, and not allowed to focus our attention on planning our wedding/honeymoon. I am pissed that there are people who take their children for granted or have not spent every minute with their children and appreciated it. I am mad that there are people who just have kids like litters of dogs and don't appreciate it. Jesus, this is really not fair! Ok, so I got that out of my system, momentarily. Sean was awesome and supportive, I love him! He said,"Ashley, we have been dealt a really bad hand right now, we are going to keep playing the cards and eventually the easy card will show up, we are due!" Ok, good point....let's move forward!
Sean and I thought that trying something rather than hoping for the best would, emotionally allow us to feel like we had some type of insurance plan of fertility throughout cancer treatment. The possibility that a PCOS ovary will work after harvesting is a concern too, but one we are willing to consider. We ended the day with leaning toward the ovarian harvesting, but wanted to talk with the oncologist to see what her opinion would be. At the end of this day my head was hurting and I was emotionally and physically exhausted, I elected to hibernate under the feather comforter in our giant bed....which always seems to make things a bit better!
So on Tuesday Dec 7th the meeting of the minds occurred, Dr. Kim and Dr Rabe (oncologist) conferenced via phone and it was decided to do nothing, fertility wise, prior to cancer treatment. Here is how that conclusion came about. Most women do not consider PCOS a positive matter when confronted with fertility. However, in my case PCOS may be saving our future babies during chemo. Since each of my ovaries are overwhelmed with the shear number of follicles on them Dr Kim believes that the chemo will only kill some of the follicles and after chemo I should have a more of a normal range of follicles left. So with that, Sean and I realized we will be starting chemo as soon as possible.
At 9:00 on Tues. Dec 7th, after talking with the doctors we decided to proceed with cancer treatment. Hold onto your big girl panties b/c here we go. Within the next hour my phone rang non-stop. I was being scheduled for a multitude of tests, education, doctor appts and setting a chemo date! I seriously need a secretary just to be in charge of my appointments...and eventually bills. I am pretty sure that I will be experiencing PTSD just from phone calls and scheduling, I am not joking. At the end of this day, my head was hurting and I was emotionally and physically exhausted! Again, opted for the big bed and feather comforter to make it better!
So with the new scheduled treatment plan, that meant rushing to my office and informing my work that my short term disability would be beginning asap. That was kind of crazy, but someone said it was a good thing it was so abrupt b/c I am the type of employee that would have tried to keep on working, just to help them out. Newsflash: I have had to learn this lesson the hard way, cancer is making me slow down and realize I need to take care of myself first and this is not "selfish" this is "self preservation.....that's right ladies were are typically the worst at this, so think of it as self preservation.