I have really never been a girlie girl

So all of you that know me, would probably know that I am not the girl who is enamored with glitter, bows, and over dramatic lipstick.  However, I will say I am in love with my glittery engagement right....hehehehe!  With that being said, the moment the talk of chemo was the center of my treatment plan I realized maybe I wanted to be more girlie. Yes, my long brown hair does not make me Ashley Lee, nor do my boobs, but neither do my arms or legs, but if I were to cut one of those appendages off I would feel as though a "part" of me was missing.  The thought of losing my hair was difficult, however, childbearing was my first concern.  Funny that my own survival really was not my biggest concern, but that's not what I want to talk about today.
So with the thought of losing my hair, over the last few weeks I have been overly determined to dress and feel like a girl as much as possible.  As if when the dread day I have to buzz my hair, I will magically no longer allow me to be a girl.  I can't explain my reasoning, I am just putting it out there.  I cut my hair short for the first time in my LIFE!  I donated two ponytails that were about 12 inches each to the Locks of Love.  The cut was to give me a week or so to gather myself before the buzz haircut occurred and wig shopping ensued. 

Another reason why I am struggling with the hair loss idea, is that this is another reflection that I can no longer deny that I am a cancer patient.  I don't want to feel "sick" and weak, and I feel like this will be a reminder.  I have also had plenty of tears as I sit and think about "feeling pretty" for Sean.  I don't want him to see me sick all of the time, I want him to be able to get away from this "sickness" sometimes, god if I could get away from it in a second I wouldn't hesitate.  I am worrying that I won't be pretty on my wedding day, the day that I want Sean to be able to look at me and actually feel my prettiness walk down the aisle.  Now I am concerned about having to wear a wig and a prosthetic bra b/c reconstruction won't be completed by next September.  Sean is awesome and reassures me that, I am the ONLY person who is even concerned about the pretty factor, and he just wants to get married....chicken cutlets in my bra or not!  I can't say enough how much I love him, I feel we are truly partners and this process so far is simply validating that for us. 

So until I start chemo, watch out for glittering bows, dresses, and over dramatic lipstick baby!