The day I could no longer deny I was the patient

To say this whole ordeal has been surreal, cannot adequately describe the experience so far.  As most of you know I am a hospice social worker.  How is it even possible that a hospice social worker who is surrounded by the sick, dying, and death can adequately cope with her own illness while doing her own patients justice?

I was scheduled to see my oncologist for the first time on November 30th, Dr. Rabe at the Kansas City Cancer Center.  Sean and I were planning to meet there because it was in the middle of the work day.  I arrived a little bit before Sean.  Just parking in the parking lot was overwhelming and difficult for me.  To even consider being associated as a patient and walking into a building with the name KC Cancer Center on the outside was unbelievable to me.  As I walked into the building I could not come to terms with being a patient and not a social worker visiting a patient. 

As I sat in the waiting room completing paperwork I was literally shaking.  I was praying that Sean would get there soon, and I had the running thought in my head,"I don't want to be here!"  I have always been the type of girl who can appreciate some good quality time alone,(reading, shopping, or just sitting at home alone) however, since all of this chaos I have felt like I need Sean to be around. I feel like as long as he is around I am okay, we don't even need to be talking, just as long as I know he is there.  This bothers me a bit, I have never been like this and it is uncharted territory for me.  As I think about it, I think about all the patients and families I have counseled in hospice.  I think about the patients who have experienced these same feelings and I can confidently counsel them and their family that these feelings are related to the patient's fear of dying.  Again, I keep telling myself "I AM NOT THE PATIENT!", but as I sit in this waiting room surrounded by sick,weak, and bald other patient I can no longer deny that I am now a cancer patient.

Sean arrives and I am literally shaking and I manage to choke out the words,"I don't want to be here."  Sean was great, he held my hand and was a great support.  My anxiety was so high my blood pressure was 137/105 and that was with a Xanax!  We met the oncologist and she confirmed that I would two rounds of chemo, that would normally take 6 months to complete, but she wants to condense it into 4 months due to the cancer being more aggressive than originally thought. (since Nov 2 the mass in my breast has gone from 4cm to just under 8cm) She intends to utilize the most aggressive chemo treatment for the type of breast cancer that I have.  The side effects may be more intense with this timeframe, however, she is confident that she will be able to manage the nausea and vomitting with medications. At this point I was crying excessively, so the doctor allowed me to gather myself as Sean sat patiently next to me holding my hand and rubbing my back.  This sucks, this sucks for me and this sucks for Sean, there is no other way to say it.  So, hair loss, lowered immune system, side effects, fertility, and the fact that my cancer is growing quickly were all the encouraging topics discussed that day.....I could no longer deny I WAS THE CANCER PATIENT NOW!