So on Monday Feb. 21st Sean, Sarah, and I ventured to the plastic surgeon's office to discuss what my options are. In my mind's eye I had envisioned that reconstruction was going to be as if I were getting a nice boob job. However, this appointment painted a very different picture for me. Let's just say I cried many tears and it was an overwhelming emotional day. Thank god I had Sean and my best friend Sarah with me!
First of all, I walked into a plastic surgeon's office in Johnson county where the waiting room and parking lot were full. I sat in the waiting room thinking about how all these other patents were lucky to have the choice for an elective surgery to make themselves more "perfect" and here I am just happy enough to get into the doctor's office without being chemo sick/tired, in "real" dress up clothes, as I hid beneath my awesome wig. Really I was jealous and pissed at the other patients because they had a choice. It is funny though, I was determined to get dressed in my best girlie outfit and put on good makeup and made sure my wig looked its best so that the doctor could tell that this reconstruction had to match my fabulous self, even though these days in what Sean calls my chemo life, I had not been feeling so fabulous and further more I am sure it meant nothing to the doctor what I was wearing that day.
So before I met the doctor we spent most of the visit with his assistant who described the procedure. I think because I have not had my consultation regarding the mastectomy yet, that this appointment was much more overwhelming that what I had anticipated. I guess that I didn't realize that the mastectomy was such a major surgery. I didn't realize that I would have two drains attached to me and some type of pain pump as well. However, I was glad to hear that the plastic surgeon would be there during the mastectomy to insert the skin expander at the same time, so I would only have one surgery. The other good thing is that the plastic surgeon has worked with my breast surgeon and radiation oncologist before and spoke highly of both. I feel comfortable with this plastic surgeon as well because in the breast cancer community and the health care community he is also spoken of highly.
Okay, back to the details of the overwhelming appointment. They obviously allowed me to feel the silicone implant which was fine. However, the skin expander was extremely weird. I can describe it as the same shape of an implant, however, the outside of it is hard and comparable to the material a dodge ball is made out of. They explained that they will fill it about 50-60cc every three weeks after I am done with radiation. During my six weeks of radiation I will still see the plastic surgeon in order for him to monitor my skin integrity and the skin expander's response to the radiation. They told me that they will fill the expander until I feel like I am at a bra size that I am comfortable with....my response was Jesus I will be filling for a year if I do it 50cc at a time every three weeks, they didn't disagree. Another weird bit of information was that during my surgery placing the expanders they will also place some human cadaver tissue to rebuild a "shelf" for the expanders/implants to sit/build on. They also informed me that after the cadaver tissue had been in my body for about 3 weeks that it would take on my own DNA and no one would ever be ever to tell it wasn't my own...weird. I was able to see pictures of patients with and without the use of this cadaver tissue and without a doubt I am going to use it because it looks more natural. Well, since I mentioned pictures I might as well let you know that this is the part of the appointment that shit got real overwhelming, as if all of that was not enough.
The assistant pulled out the photo album of the breast cancer reconstruction pictures. I was unpleasantly shocked! There were so many scars, drains, tubing, and just unnatural looks. I simply started to cry, I don't think I even said one word. The assistant, Sean, and Sarah were trying to console me, but there were just tears! The assistant asked if I wanted to stop, and if I needed some water, I adamantly shook my head yes! I sat there and cried. Sean held my hand and Sarah gathered clean and dirty Kleenexs
So then the assistant came back into the room, and of course I apologized for crying like a baby, and we finished with a few more questions. I met the doctor, who was really great! I loved him the moment he told me to go home and think about all of this material they had given me and then to make another appointment where he and I could just sit and talk, that was really awesome. He knew it was emotional traumatizing for me. He was optimistic that youth would be on my side and after he examined me he was sure things would be okay. Still it was so much for me to take in, I felt like I wanted to cry for days.
I have not had a drink of alcohol since my diagnosis in November but I quickly told Sarah and Sean we needed to go get lunch and I wanted either a beer for myself or I would sip theirs, of course they were quick to oblige! As we drove to lunch I told both of them that I just needed to cry for a bit and then I would be okay. They were both great, Sarah had a box of Kleenex in the car for me and Sean leaned his hand to the backseat and just rubbed my leg as I snot faced cried, it felt good. We had a great lunch, despite my state of shock. I had my own beer, maybe two, then we came home and watched comedy skits to lighten the mood.
So that was that, and now on to the next battle, who knows what it will be, but I will prevail, like it or not cancer!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Let's be honest
So it has been several days since I posted anything. I had my 5th chemo session on Feb. 7th it seemed like the longest day ever. Sean and I were at the cancer center from 10:30 AM until 4:30PM! The new chemo drug I am taking is required to drip into me over a 4 hour period because it is so strong that if it goes any faster it can make my body go into anaphylactic shock. I have to take 24 hours of steroids prior to my chemo too, in order to prepare my body. So the day started with lab draws and then we met with Dr. Rabe. Dr. Rabe informed us that the mass in my breast had measured .5cm smaller again. Dr. Rabe cautioned us that the shrinkage may really slow down now and to not get discouraged by this. We discussed the side effects of the chemo which have included fatigue, nausea, mouth sores, water retention, body pain, and dry skin. I informed Dr Rabe that I felt like I was getting some type of upper respiratory infection and that I was nervous about this and the effect this would have while doing chemo. Dr. Rabe gave me an antibiotic and I was back down the hall to start my 5th cycle of chemo.
It seemed like the longest day ever. Sean sat next to me, he played on line Scrabble and I watched a movie and played Scrabble too. The cancer center was very busy that day and it was hard for me to watch all the other patients get their chemo and then get to leave as I had to remain "hooked" to my chemo! There was a new infusion nurse training that day and Sean and I were introduced to her as the "newlyweds"! There was another couple around our age, a bit older, and they overheard the nurses commenting on our newlywed status and they informed us that they had been married almost a year. The wife was laying there getting chemo as her husband was on his laptop too. As I looked at them I thought to myself how unfair it was for them to have to go through cancer as newlyweds and how sick she looked. Then I realized I might as well have been looking in a mirror. It just isn't fair any way you look at it. I hate it for Sean, I think this is the thing I get stuck on the most. When I am sick or can barely move out of bed I typically cry because my husband should not have to do this right now, maybe when we are older, but not now. Sean never complains and he is extremely involved with my care/medications/treatment. Again, it is not fair!
After the most exhaustively long day getting chemo we made it home and then the week of torture began. I literally laid in bed from Monday night until Saturday afternoon. I was so tired I could barely move to answer my phone. These last four rounds of chemo do not require me to get the Neulasta shot so I was optimisitc about not having any bone pain. However, the nurses had informed me that this new chemo drug, Taxol, will give me body aches and I will feel like I was hit by a train. I was taking my antibiotics that Dr. Rabe had given me in order to stop the potential respiratory infection I thought I was getting on Monday, but it wasn't working. My body could not handle chemo and this possible infection. I slept and laid in bed and cried most of the week. This mentally broke me, but at the time I was to sick to care about anything. All I knew is that the body aches were too great at times to even let me sleep. I was having sweats and the aches would move throughout my body and I was too weak to move, even going to the master bathroom was an endeavor. I can only explain the body aches as a sharp shooting pain that when touched felt like when your limbs have fallen asleep and when you touch them it feels like a thousand pins and needles. My respiratory infection made it difficult to even breath. I am not going to lie, I cried. I cried because I was so sick with no resolve insight, and I cried because I was tired of being sick. My mom came up and cleaned the house, cooked, and did grocery shopping for us, I cried then too. I cried that I am 30 years old and my mother has to come and help me like this. I cried because I feel like I have nothing to give right now, and I am not even contributing to my own life. I cried because I looked pretty freaking pathetic as I lay there in bed. Like I said, I am pretty sure that week in bed mentally broke me.
meds I could have at this point. So what did I do....I cried. Didn't my illness get the freaking memo....I am tired of being sick! Sean came home and nursed me back to health, my friend Cora had graciously placed some chicken noodle soup in our freezer the last visit so that helped me tremendously. Sean had got some gatorade on the way home, because before cancer I was addicted to drinking tons of water during the day, but since chemo water tastes nasty, so to stay hydrated I drank the gatorade. Then if that were not enough, as I lay on the couch, because I refuse to be confined to the bed any longer, I began to have some type of rash over my bald head, neck, armpits, and stomach! Great! Sean ran me an oatmeal bath and I lay there rubbing a freaking pantyhose filled with oatmeal all over my body. Freaking awesome! Life is great! Good note: I am feeling better this morning, so hopefully I can add some different food to my diet today and I am obviously well enough to update my blog so you know things must be on the upswing.
Another good note, I met Dr. Coster who will be directing my radiation after my surgery. I meet with Dr. Ballanoff, the breast surgeon, on March 14th to discuss the surgery and set the date. Dr. Coster was amazing, he explained my treatment plan and my "cure rate" extensively. Dr. Coster is from Mayo clinic and appears to be very smart! He answered all of my questions and his bedside manner is great. He appears very understanding, most likely because his wife was diagnosed at the age of 32, just after they had married as well. He explained that I will have six weeks of daily radiation. I meet with the plastic surgeon Dr. Quinn on Monday the 21st to discuss my options. And then I have my 6th round of chemo on Tuesday, and I am very nervous but trying to be optimistic.
I will try to upload a video soon to, because I think it has been a bit since I have done that. I can't remember if I have posted a video of my complete baldness, I think that I have the guts to post one if I haven't already. I am fairly comfortable with my baldness now, I think it is because I don't have a choice and I am holding out on the thought that someday it will return. I will be honest, maybe one of the silver linings of chemo is the hair loss because showering is so much faster and I am lightening fast like a boy getting ready, not like I am going anywhere though!
It seemed like the longest day ever. Sean sat next to me, he played on line Scrabble and I watched a movie and played Scrabble too. The cancer center was very busy that day and it was hard for me to watch all the other patients get their chemo and then get to leave as I had to remain "hooked" to my chemo! There was a new infusion nurse training that day and Sean and I were introduced to her as the "newlyweds"! There was another couple around our age, a bit older, and they overheard the nurses commenting on our newlywed status and they informed us that they had been married almost a year. The wife was laying there getting chemo as her husband was on his laptop too. As I looked at them I thought to myself how unfair it was for them to have to go through cancer as newlyweds and how sick she looked. Then I realized I might as well have been looking in a mirror. It just isn't fair any way you look at it. I hate it for Sean, I think this is the thing I get stuck on the most. When I am sick or can barely move out of bed I typically cry because my husband should not have to do this right now, maybe when we are older, but not now. Sean never complains and he is extremely involved with my care/medications/treatment. Again, it is not fair!
After the most exhaustively long day getting chemo we made it home and then the week of torture began. I literally laid in bed from Monday night until Saturday afternoon. I was so tired I could barely move to answer my phone. These last four rounds of chemo do not require me to get the Neulasta shot so I was optimisitc about not having any bone pain. However, the nurses had informed me that this new chemo drug, Taxol, will give me body aches and I will feel like I was hit by a train. I was taking my antibiotics that Dr. Rabe had given me in order to stop the potential respiratory infection I thought I was getting on Monday, but it wasn't working. My body could not handle chemo and this possible infection. I slept and laid in bed and cried most of the week. This mentally broke me, but at the time I was to sick to care about anything. All I knew is that the body aches were too great at times to even let me sleep. I was having sweats and the aches would move throughout my body and I was too weak to move, even going to the master bathroom was an endeavor. I can only explain the body aches as a sharp shooting pain that when touched felt like when your limbs have fallen asleep and when you touch them it feels like a thousand pins and needles. My respiratory infection made it difficult to even breath. I am not going to lie, I cried. I cried because I was so sick with no resolve insight, and I cried because I was tired of being sick. My mom came up and cleaned the house, cooked, and did grocery shopping for us, I cried then too. I cried that I am 30 years old and my mother has to come and help me like this. I cried because I feel like I have nothing to give right now, and I am not even contributing to my own life. I cried because I looked pretty freaking pathetic as I lay there in bed. Like I said, I am pretty sure that week in bed mentally broke me.
meds I could have at this point. So what did I do....I cried. Didn't my illness get the freaking memo....I am tired of being sick! Sean came home and nursed me back to health, my friend Cora had graciously placed some chicken noodle soup in our freezer the last visit so that helped me tremendously. Sean had got some gatorade on the way home, because before cancer I was addicted to drinking tons of water during the day, but since chemo water tastes nasty, so to stay hydrated I drank the gatorade. Then if that were not enough, as I lay on the couch, because I refuse to be confined to the bed any longer, I began to have some type of rash over my bald head, neck, armpits, and stomach! Great! Sean ran me an oatmeal bath and I lay there rubbing a freaking pantyhose filled with oatmeal all over my body. Freaking awesome! Life is great! Good note: I am feeling better this morning, so hopefully I can add some different food to my diet today and I am obviously well enough to update my blog so you know things must be on the upswing.
Another good note, I met Dr. Coster who will be directing my radiation after my surgery. I meet with Dr. Ballanoff, the breast surgeon, on March 14th to discuss the surgery and set the date. Dr. Coster was amazing, he explained my treatment plan and my "cure rate" extensively. Dr. Coster is from Mayo clinic and appears to be very smart! He answered all of my questions and his bedside manner is great. He appears very understanding, most likely because his wife was diagnosed at the age of 32, just after they had married as well. He explained that I will have six weeks of daily radiation. I meet with the plastic surgeon Dr. Quinn on Monday the 21st to discuss my options. And then I have my 6th round of chemo on Tuesday, and I am very nervous but trying to be optimistic.
I will try to upload a video soon to, because I think it has been a bit since I have done that. I can't remember if I have posted a video of my complete baldness, I think that I have the guts to post one if I haven't already. I am fairly comfortable with my baldness now, I think it is because I don't have a choice and I am holding out on the thought that someday it will return. I will be honest, maybe one of the silver linings of chemo is the hair loss because showering is so much faster and I am lightening fast like a boy getting ready, not like I am going anywhere though!
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