Monday, March 14, 2011
You know I am sexy with my wig and surgical mask on!
So the 7th round of chemo went much easier than the previous. The doctor and nurses were prepared with all the right medications in case I had another reaction. They gave me so much medication that I was able to sleep through most of the chemo session. We were still there for most of the day, Sean will never let me go without him again, and he patiently sat with me all day as I was tethered to the chemo pole and sleeping away. I was really tired and emotionally all over the place from the chemo and the steroids. I vacillate between crying and being raging pissed, so Dr.Rabe(oncologist) recommended that I go see a psychiatrist...appointment has been made for March 17th! I know I need to go, I am eager to seek the help. It is torturous to feel the chemical imbalance throughout your mind and body. Now I know what it is like to feel helpless and in so much emotional/mental pain that punching something or cutting would sound like a viable option....don't worry I'm not going to hurt myself or Sean, but this is the only way to explain it.
I continue to have about two days of body aches/pain within the week after receiving chemo, which is no fun, but just another part of this journey. I am focused on the next steps of this journey and that is my last scheduled chemo session on March 21st!
I had blood work done today, as I do every Monday, in order for the doctor to monitor my white blood cell count because if these go to low then chemo will be postponed until my body can withstand chemo again. Unfortunately, we found out that my counts are drastically low and that I have been quarantined to the house and away from people in order to avoid any infections. I had an appointment with the breast surgeon this morning and had to wear a super sexy surgical mask into the hospital, again to avoid contact with germs! I just hope that my body gets things together so I can have chemo on the 21st, I don't want to postpone it, I am ready to move on.
So the appointment with the breast surgeon went well. Dr. Ballanoff is completely confident that she can remove all the cancerous breast tissue and lymph nodes! She told me that I should only have to stay in the hospital one day if all goes well and that she has high regards for my plastic surgeon and radiation oncologist! She asked me how I felt about our fertility options after meeting with the fertility specialist in November. I think about it constantly. We desperately want children and with every chemo treatment I just sit and hope that there is a chance for us after all of this. Sometimes I think you know what Sean and I are good people and we deserve children and I will be crushed if that is a gift that is taken from us. So the next time you want to complain about your children or the daily tasks of life, stop and think what it would be like if you didn't even get the option. Be grateful for life! I told Dr. Ballanoff that in our opinion we will be so blessed to have children, but the other thing that weighs on my mind is that I will be blessed if I am a healthy breast cancer survivor with no recurrences too. I told her that sometimes I just wonder, will there be a day that cancer is not the center of my life, her response was honest, it will be a long time but it will happen. I told her that being 30 years old gives me, hopefully, a long life to worry about having a recurrence, again her response was honest, and she said that was true but if I can make it to the 5 year mark without a recurrence my odds will get better and better. Never thought I would be dealing with this at 30 years old. This journey is shaping my character and allowing me to appreciate things in my life that may have been overlooked a little more otherwise...there are silver linings when you stop and recognize them.
I continue to have about two days of body aches/pain within the week after receiving chemo, which is no fun, but just another part of this journey. I am focused on the next steps of this journey and that is my last scheduled chemo session on March 21st!
I had blood work done today, as I do every Monday, in order for the doctor to monitor my white blood cell count because if these go to low then chemo will be postponed until my body can withstand chemo again. Unfortunately, we found out that my counts are drastically low and that I have been quarantined to the house and away from people in order to avoid any infections. I had an appointment with the breast surgeon this morning and had to wear a super sexy surgical mask into the hospital, again to avoid contact with germs! I just hope that my body gets things together so I can have chemo on the 21st, I don't want to postpone it, I am ready to move on.
So the appointment with the breast surgeon went well. Dr. Ballanoff is completely confident that she can remove all the cancerous breast tissue and lymph nodes! She told me that I should only have to stay in the hospital one day if all goes well and that she has high regards for my plastic surgeon and radiation oncologist! She asked me how I felt about our fertility options after meeting with the fertility specialist in November. I think about it constantly. We desperately want children and with every chemo treatment I just sit and hope that there is a chance for us after all of this. Sometimes I think you know what Sean and I are good people and we deserve children and I will be crushed if that is a gift that is taken from us. So the next time you want to complain about your children or the daily tasks of life, stop and think what it would be like if you didn't even get the option. Be grateful for life! I told Dr. Ballanoff that in our opinion we will be so blessed to have children, but the other thing that weighs on my mind is that I will be blessed if I am a healthy breast cancer survivor with no recurrences too. I told her that sometimes I just wonder, will there be a day that cancer is not the center of my life, her response was honest, it will be a long time but it will happen. I told her that being 30 years old gives me, hopefully, a long life to worry about having a recurrence, again her response was honest, and she said that was true but if I can make it to the 5 year mark without a recurrence my odds will get better and better. Never thought I would be dealing with this at 30 years old. This journey is shaping my character and allowing me to appreciate things in my life that may have been overlooked a little more otherwise...there are silver linings when you stop and recognize them.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Feb. 22, 2011, sixth chemo, and genuine friends and family!!!!
Sorry, I am a bit behind, but don't worry Carol (my mom) took the opportunity to let me know that she thinks I need to update my blog more regularly. I'm not going to lie, it may not be too much more regular until I'm done with chemo, but I will try.
So on Feb 22 I had my fifth chemo, and it was rather eventful. It began with me having chemo on Tuesday versus the typical Monday, but the cancer center was too busy and they bumped me to Tuesday. Sean was unable to get off work to take me, therefore Mike (Sean's dad) took me. Since it takes so long for my chemo to drip into my body, I had told Sean that there was no sense in Mike sitting there with me all because it would be so boring for him. Sean was insistent that Mike stay the entire chemo, I think it is because Sean worries about me and wants everything to go as smooth as possible thus causing less anxiety for everyone. However, you know me and my amazingly stubborn ability as a patient, I fought him on the issue. It had nothing to do with Mike keeping me company, I love him and he is so easy to get along with, I just know that an 8 hour day tethered to a chemo pole is not my idea of fun and I didn't want to torture him either.
Mike took me and stayed until the chemo was running fine, my friend Kressy stopped by to smuggle me some soda and chips into the building...just kidding I could eat it she didn't need to smuggle it. The chemo had been running for some time and things were going well. As soon as Mike and Kressy left within about 15-20 mins I began to go into anaphylatic shock. It was awful, however, this is the exact reason that all the cancer patients sit in this giant room to get their chemo treatments. The infusion nurses can monitor a larger number of patients this way, in order to be prepared for adverse reactions. On a whole though there are minimal patients to no patients that suffer with adverse effects, until we all get home and then we deal with the effects.
So all of the sudden I felt really flushed, difficulty breathing, vomiting, and as though I was having a heart attack. The infusion nurses were working on me within seconds and the doctor was paged and they were all surrounding me and working on me. I could talk, and I was shaking as I vomited into this tiny bag contraption. I was scared. They immediately stopped the chemo from dripping into the body and began pushing all kinds of meds from syringes directly in to my port. As I sat there vomiting and unable to talk I kept thinking to myself, "Oh shit, Sean is going to kill me because he told me not to be here by myself!" Then my very next thought was, "if Sean doesn't kill me I am pretty damn sure I am dying right here tethered to a damn chemo pole!" And let me just say that during the chaos of my episode all the other patients were looking at me with that look on their face like, "oh shit, that's girl is having a reaction and two things, its bad and I hope that doesn't happen to me!" It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop! The medical staff were able to get my reaction under control and I passed out sleeping in the chemo chair. I woke a bit later with an uncontrollable feeling to scratch my skin all over, they had started the chemo drip again and I sat up in the chair to plan my attack on itching my skin. As I sat up and pulled my sleeve up I discovered I was COVERED in large hives. Right at this time the nurse happened to glance my way and she ran over and stopped the chemo again in hopes that I would not have another reaction. My eyes were not blood shot the whites of my eye were filled with solid red blood....let me tell you I was a crazy site, no wonder all the patients had those looks on their faces and were not making a sound. Again, they began working on me. I stabilized and they began the chemo again. I was at the cancer center from 9:30AM to 5:00 PM, it was an exhausting day for me. Let's just focus on that I survived.
The steroids and medications that they had to give me during this round definitely effected my emotional well being. I was vacillating between raging pissed to where I wanted to hurt something to uncontrolled crying. I jokingly had told my friend Shelly that if we were able to see each other that she could see me as long as she didn't give me any access to sharp objects! I felt and still do feel like I am losing my mind. The emotions are beyond my control and again I hate that! I think that going to the Young Survivor's Coalition meeting in March will help and I decided to make an appointment with a psychologist who works with a majority of cancer patients. However as the week wore on, my emotions kept get more out of control. I finally called the cancer center and my oncologist gave me a prescription to help. When discussing things with her, she informed me that the emotional mood swings were due to the effects of chemo on my body chemistry, the steroids, and the overall emotions of going through cancer treatment.
To help with my emotional well being I got to spend some amazing time with Lindsay and Sarah and we sat around and talked and had snacks on a Saturday night, the laughter was good medicine! And a little phone psychotherapy from Shelly never hurts, and I even got to see Cora and Kressy too!
During this process it is amazing to know you have some really amazing friends and family who are willing to put their own needs aside in order to support you! In the same thought process, it is amazing that you have some friends and family who you thought would have been more supportive and genuine. I just know that this process make me really appreciate the relationships in my life for what they really are, good or not so good. This also makes me think about how I am as a friend and how I can be encouraging and supporting to others in their time of need. People have made comments about me being strong, but I know I could not get through this rough journey without my amazingly loving, genuine, and supportive friends and family! I will never forget!
So on Feb 22 I had my fifth chemo, and it was rather eventful. It began with me having chemo on Tuesday versus the typical Monday, but the cancer center was too busy and they bumped me to Tuesday. Sean was unable to get off work to take me, therefore Mike (Sean's dad) took me. Since it takes so long for my chemo to drip into my body, I had told Sean that there was no sense in Mike sitting there with me all because it would be so boring for him. Sean was insistent that Mike stay the entire chemo, I think it is because Sean worries about me and wants everything to go as smooth as possible thus causing less anxiety for everyone. However, you know me and my amazingly stubborn ability as a patient, I fought him on the issue. It had nothing to do with Mike keeping me company, I love him and he is so easy to get along with, I just know that an 8 hour day tethered to a chemo pole is not my idea of fun and I didn't want to torture him either.
Mike took me and stayed until the chemo was running fine, my friend Kressy stopped by to smuggle me some soda and chips into the building...just kidding I could eat it she didn't need to smuggle it. The chemo had been running for some time and things were going well. As soon as Mike and Kressy left within about 15-20 mins I began to go into anaphylatic shock. It was awful, however, this is the exact reason that all the cancer patients sit in this giant room to get their chemo treatments. The infusion nurses can monitor a larger number of patients this way, in order to be prepared for adverse reactions. On a whole though there are minimal patients to no patients that suffer with adverse effects, until we all get home and then we deal with the effects.
So all of the sudden I felt really flushed, difficulty breathing, vomiting, and as though I was having a heart attack. The infusion nurses were working on me within seconds and the doctor was paged and they were all surrounding me and working on me. I could talk, and I was shaking as I vomited into this tiny bag contraption. I was scared. They immediately stopped the chemo from dripping into the body and began pushing all kinds of meds from syringes directly in to my port. As I sat there vomiting and unable to talk I kept thinking to myself, "Oh shit, Sean is going to kill me because he told me not to be here by myself!" Then my very next thought was, "if Sean doesn't kill me I am pretty damn sure I am dying right here tethered to a damn chemo pole!" And let me just say that during the chaos of my episode all the other patients were looking at me with that look on their face like, "oh shit, that's girl is having a reaction and two things, its bad and I hope that doesn't happen to me!" It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop! The medical staff were able to get my reaction under control and I passed out sleeping in the chemo chair. I woke a bit later with an uncontrollable feeling to scratch my skin all over, they had started the chemo drip again and I sat up in the chair to plan my attack on itching my skin. As I sat up and pulled my sleeve up I discovered I was COVERED in large hives. Right at this time the nurse happened to glance my way and she ran over and stopped the chemo again in hopes that I would not have another reaction. My eyes were not blood shot the whites of my eye were filled with solid red blood....let me tell you I was a crazy site, no wonder all the patients had those looks on their faces and were not making a sound. Again, they began working on me. I stabilized and they began the chemo again. I was at the cancer center from 9:30AM to 5:00 PM, it was an exhausting day for me. Let's just focus on that I survived.
The steroids and medications that they had to give me during this round definitely effected my emotional well being. I was vacillating between raging pissed to where I wanted to hurt something to uncontrolled crying. I jokingly had told my friend Shelly that if we were able to see each other that she could see me as long as she didn't give me any access to sharp objects! I felt and still do feel like I am losing my mind. The emotions are beyond my control and again I hate that! I think that going to the Young Survivor's Coalition meeting in March will help and I decided to make an appointment with a psychologist who works with a majority of cancer patients. However as the week wore on, my emotions kept get more out of control. I finally called the cancer center and my oncologist gave me a prescription to help. When discussing things with her, she informed me that the emotional mood swings were due to the effects of chemo on my body chemistry, the steroids, and the overall emotions of going through cancer treatment.
To help with my emotional well being I got to spend some amazing time with Lindsay and Sarah and we sat around and talked and had snacks on a Saturday night, the laughter was good medicine! And a little phone psychotherapy from Shelly never hurts, and I even got to see Cora and Kressy too!
During this process it is amazing to know you have some really amazing friends and family who are willing to put their own needs aside in order to support you! In the same thought process, it is amazing that you have some friends and family who you thought would have been more supportive and genuine. I just know that this process make me really appreciate the relationships in my life for what they really are, good or not so good. This also makes me think about how I am as a friend and how I can be encouraging and supporting to others in their time of need. People have made comments about me being strong, but I know I could not get through this rough journey without my amazingly loving, genuine, and supportive friends and family! I will never forget!
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