I just wanted to update the blog with my current physical condition. My last post centered around the horrible bone pain from the Neulasta shot. I finally began feeling better yesterday, there was only intermittent bone pain throughout the day. I was even able to get out of bed and Lil Bit took me to run an errand. I feel a little more prepared to cope with the next cycle of chemo and Neulasta which is just a few days away. I will be honest I am dreading it and dreading the fact that I have to experience all of this 7 more times!
My mom, told me this morning that I should update the blog today so everyone would know that the bone pain has subsided and to let everyone know I am not so pissed off today. In my last post I was pissed, and I was in physical pain which made my pissed off attitude even more intense. I think it is safe to say my pissed off attitude is just more manageable today, but I am still pissed.
I am pissed to almost tears as I type this. I am pissed that I will remember this Christmas Eve and Christmas for more than undesirable reasons. I am pissed that I can't physically be strong enough to go do our Christmas traditions with our family, I am pissed that I have a short boy haircut until my freaking hair falls out, I am pissed that Sean has to even worry about me, I am pissed that I can't hug and kiss all over my nieces and see them open Christmas presents because I might get sick or too tired, I am pissed that I have stacks of medical bills now and have to worry about that and insurance negotiations, and I am pissed that Lil Bit even had to go with me to a support group on Monday, I am pissed that I sat in the support group and thought about how I could facilitate it better, I was pissed that I was the patient and not the counselor, I am pissed that I can't fix this now and move on now, I am pissed that during the support group they discussed one of the "exercises" would be a life assessment and we will discuss our life goals, blah, blah, and how we want people to remember us......I seriously wanted to raise my hand and say, "f**^^%(% you!" Really, I can't even identify as being a cancer patient right now and they were making me think that I was going to freaking die. I know therapeutically where they were going with these questions but again I am really struggling with even being a patient at this point. I am pissed that I have to anxiously wait for my wig to be delivered, I am pissed that for a year and a half I have been trying to tell doctors that something was wrong and they made me feel like I was crazy, I am pissed that I even go into a building that is named Kansas City Cancer Center, I am pissed that I have to be so weak...... I am pissed that I am pissed.
So sorry mom today my physical pain has subsided and hopefully this rant will have made room in my emotional body for a less pissed off attitude in the days to come....but I can't guarantee anything. I am glad I got all of that out, there may be more later, or who knows maybe a happy post will be in the cards soon. Thanks for listening and accepting my honesty, I am not perfect but I refuse to not allow myself to fully feel the emotions of this crazy journey. Much love, have a great Christmas!
Feel away Ashley and keep one thing in your mind at all times. The best thing about bad things is that one day you will be looking back at the experiance. Hang in we love you.
ReplyDeleteKen and I are sending our love, prayers and support. We know these days are very frustrating, difficult, painful, perplexing, etc. etc., but we know YOU!! You are so strong & wise (beyond your years)& more than beautiful. With so many people supporting and praying for you, you will receive many blessings and miracles!
ReplyDeleteIt was great talking with you yesterday...you sounded so much like the Ashley we first met years ago. We know the next treatments you were scheduled for could be causing you even more pain and anxiety. Try to relax as much as possible. We are all here as your support...call whenever you just need to talk, ask for something, or to bring us up to date. We all care!!
Love ya
I know today had to be a rough one, as you faced your second treatment head on, but I wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you for a speedy, anxiety-less, painless recovery this week. You are a survivor! It's ok for you to feel and more than anything express it! You have a bunch of people who love you that are more than willing to listen! Before you know it, you will look back on this and it will seem like one really bad vacation. :) It'll be that one place you don't want to ever go to again and that you want to warn everyone about. :) Hang in there lady!
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