Sorry, it has been a few days since my last update. I had a virus on my laptop and Sean was able to fix it. I have also had a rough few days recently.
First, before I get caught up on things, I had originally wanted to forget about Christmas. However, Sarah aka Lil Bit, brought over some Christmas lights for a tree and Sean set the tree up and it was amazing. It meant so much that they did that. Also, my friend Shelly came over and unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it again. At first, I was a bit put out, because I really felt like a pitiful invalid, and anyone that knows me, knows that this goes against all my physical and emotional makeup. It has been really hard learning to allow people to help me. Against everything I was thinking, I let Shelly help me, I didn't really like it, but afterward it was really nice to realize Sean and I didn't need to do that task and I realized she probably still loves me just the same, even though she has now done my dishes, and she probably doesn't think I am any less of a person. Okay, I am slowly getting the idea here.
In the past two days I have been back in bed battling significant side effects. However, instead of chemo side effects it has been side effects from the Neulasta injection. This is the injection that stimulates my long bone's bone marrow. I get this each time, the day after a chemo treatment.
So I received this injection on Dec 14th, and the oncologist informed me that it could take 5-7 days for me to feel the side effects. Somehow, I was either paying attention to other side effects or emotionally unable to process this part of my oncologist's original conversation because I really don't remember them saying it would be this bad. There is a possibility that they minimized the side effects in order not to scare me because, holy jesus I have been in some pain.
Exactly 7 days since the injection I woke with pain. I tried a hot salt bath for relief and only came to the realization that the pain was getting worse. I called the oncologists office and informed the triage nurse of my symptoms, which basically boiled down to pain! She confirmed that the pain would last for about 48 hours and I would most likely have a low grade temperature and that I should take Ibuprofen. Let me just say I proceeded to lay in my bed, cry quiet tears and then just when enough was enough, I just let the real tears fall. I kept saying to myself, this f**ing sucks! I thought surviving the chemo sickness was going well and then just when I thought I could spend more than one hour out of bed, this Neulasta injection kicks me in the face and sends me right back to hiding under the comforter. And really, Ibuprofen, really, I wanted to really tell the nurse to go.......(fill in the blank).
There was no relief, the pain was in my lower spine, and neck for the most part. I couldn't even talk on the phone to my mom, she of course was worried. I can't explain it other than it totally sucked! My girlfriend Sarah came over at noon because she got out of work early and I didn't want Sean to know how bad it was so he wouldn't worry and leave work himself. So Sarah helped me and just laid in the bed with me, by this time I had utilized some left over hydrocodone from my portacath surgery. The pain has yet to fully resolve. I now focus on the thought that my body is trying to produce something to heal myself and I only need to endure this pain for 48 hours. I really can't even stomach the idea of chemo treatment and injection again on the 27th and 28th and I will go through all of this again, oh and again for 4 more freaking months.
I have noticed, and so has Sarah and Sean, that I have been extremely irritable recently. So right now I am in the pissed stage of grief (so clinical right) and I am pissed that I have to even deal with freaking cancer and all the ridiculous side effects, this is not fair nor fun, I want a redo, I don't want to sign up for this shit! Man this sucks! Okay, I got that out of my system.
I think that the irritability is also stemming from the fact that I have been in bed everyday and I really do not feel close to the "Ashley" that I have been every other day in my life. I hate feeling, looking, and being SICK! I tried to go to the store for a few items with Sarah the other day....it was not a good idea. I ended the trip sitting on a bench waiting for Sarah to finish the shopping and to pull the car up. I will be honest I cried on the way home. I cried because, really, really, the old Ashley can shop in her sleep, the old Ashley never needed help and the old Ashley surely didn't feel sorry for herself. It's funny how cancer is teaching me so many things. After this I know I will be a different person in various capacities, I try to focus on the lessons learned versus the pity party details. ,
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