I am just going to put this out there. Despite a graduate degree and my counseling experience, I have no idea how to manage all of my emotions and thoughts these days. With that being said, my emotions can change several times within and hour or even a conversation. It would be unfair for me to expect others to know how to handle or speak with me, when I don't even know how I feel from moment to moment. So I will be forgiving with everyone if everyone will forgive me.There will be some days that I will need you to be a cheerleader for me and then there will be days that I need you to just agree with me that this whole thing sucks and is unfair and give me permission to cry, curse, and possible throw a tantrum.
But again, I just need to put this out there. Here it is: Please do not tell me not to stress. I will tell you right now I am going to be stressed. I am working on it, however, it is taking a minute for me to be opened arms to this cancer, chemo, and surgery. I hope you think about it before you tell me,"Don't stress" now, because quite frankly let us pretend you were told that your tits will be cut off, you will go bald, and possible be sterile and just see how well you cope with things.
Again, I can't expect people to know what to say to me b/c I don't even know how to deal with myself, I am just asking permission to "feel" in general. Bear with me folks, I will get through this emotionally and physically bumpy road eventually. Sean and I are more than grateful for our family and our friends(who we consider our family) supporting us, checking on us, and just being present in some way with us during this journey we are taking.
I am also really trying to emotionally prepare myself for chemo. A good girlfriend of mine was lovely enough to send me some guided imagery CDs in order to relax and open my mind and body up to this healing process versus looking at chemo like a poisonous drug killing my body. Again, slowly but surely I am listening to these and I am trying. However, I had someone tell me yesterday that I may be a bit unrealistic when I am thinking that I will joyously attend my first chemo treatment. Which I thought was a good point, so now my goal is to be able to attend my first chemo treatment without going into a complete emotional breakdown and no snot faced crying! Good goal right!
Great goal! I think that's reasonable. I love that you've put it out there that you realize that we might not know what to say or what you need on a given day, and that you cannot always predict or control how you will react to friends, family, or any one of the gagillion appointments and challenges ahead of you...I so appreciate this blog, Ash. Thank you for letting us in, and for sharing with us what you're facing and going through. Love you!! (And this is just me, Angela...trying to change my login id from Kevin & Angela! We set up the google account to Skype...)
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