So it has been several days since I posted anything. I had my 5th chemo session on Feb. 7th it seemed like the longest day ever. Sean and I were at the cancer center from 10:30 AM until 4:30PM! The new chemo drug I am taking is required to drip into me over a 4 hour period because it is so strong that if it goes any faster it can make my body go into anaphylactic shock. I have to take 24 hours of steroids prior to my chemo too, in order to prepare my body. So the day started with lab draws and then we met with Dr. Rabe. Dr. Rabe informed us that the mass in my breast had measured .5cm smaller again. Dr. Rabe cautioned us that the shrinkage may really slow down now and to not get discouraged by this. We discussed the side effects of the chemo which have included fatigue, nausea, mouth sores, water retention, body pain, and dry skin. I informed Dr Rabe that I felt like I was getting some type of upper respiratory infection and that I was nervous about this and the effect this would have while doing chemo. Dr. Rabe gave me an antibiotic and I was back down the hall to start my 5th cycle of chemo.
It seemed like the longest day ever. Sean sat next to me, he played on line Scrabble and I watched a movie and played Scrabble too. The cancer center was very busy that day and it was hard for me to watch all the other patients get their chemo and then get to leave as I had to remain "hooked" to my chemo! There was a new infusion nurse training that day and Sean and I were introduced to her as the "newlyweds"! There was another couple around our age, a bit older, and they overheard the nurses commenting on our newlywed status and they informed us that they had been married almost a year. The wife was laying there getting chemo as her husband was on his laptop too. As I looked at them I thought to myself how unfair it was for them to have to go through cancer as newlyweds and how sick she looked. Then I realized I might as well have been looking in a mirror. It just isn't fair any way you look at it. I hate it for Sean, I think this is the thing I get stuck on the most. When I am sick or can barely move out of bed I typically cry because my husband should not have to do this right now, maybe when we are older, but not now. Sean never complains and he is extremely involved with my care/medications/treatment. Again, it is not fair!
After the most exhaustively long day getting chemo we made it home and then the week of torture began. I literally laid in bed from Monday night until Saturday afternoon. I was so tired I could barely move to answer my phone. These last four rounds of chemo do not require me to get the Neulasta shot so I was optimisitc about not having any bone pain. However, the nurses had informed me that this new chemo drug, Taxol, will give me body aches and I will feel like I was hit by a train. I was taking my antibiotics that Dr. Rabe had given me in order to stop the potential respiratory infection I thought I was getting on Monday, but it wasn't working. My body could not handle chemo and this possible infection. I slept and laid in bed and cried most of the week. This mentally broke me, but at the time I was to sick to care about anything. All I knew is that the body aches were too great at times to even let me sleep. I was having sweats and the aches would move throughout my body and I was too weak to move, even going to the master bathroom was an endeavor. I can only explain the body aches as a sharp shooting pain that when touched felt like when your limbs have fallen asleep and when you touch them it feels like a thousand pins and needles. My respiratory infection made it difficult to even breath. I am not going to lie, I cried. I cried because I was so sick with no resolve insight, and I cried because I was tired of being sick. My mom came up and cleaned the house, cooked, and did grocery shopping for us, I cried then too. I cried that I am 30 years old and my mother has to come and help me like this. I cried because I feel like I have nothing to give right now, and I am not even contributing to my own life. I cried because I looked pretty freaking pathetic as I lay there in bed. Like I said, I am pretty sure that week in bed mentally broke me.
meds I could have at this point. So what did I do....I cried. Didn't my illness get the freaking memo....I am tired of being sick! Sean came home and nursed me back to health, my friend Cora had graciously placed some chicken noodle soup in our freezer the last visit so that helped me tremendously. Sean had got some gatorade on the way home, because before cancer I was addicted to drinking tons of water during the day, but since chemo water tastes nasty, so to stay hydrated I drank the gatorade. Then if that were not enough, as I lay on the couch, because I refuse to be confined to the bed any longer, I began to have some type of rash over my bald head, neck, armpits, and stomach! Great! Sean ran me an oatmeal bath and I lay there rubbing a freaking pantyhose filled with oatmeal all over my body. Freaking awesome! Life is great! Good note: I am feeling better this morning, so hopefully I can add some different food to my diet today and I am obviously well enough to update my blog so you know things must be on the upswing.
Another good note, I met Dr. Coster who will be directing my radiation after my surgery. I meet with Dr. Ballanoff, the breast surgeon, on March 14th to discuss the surgery and set the date. Dr. Coster was amazing, he explained my treatment plan and my "cure rate" extensively. Dr. Coster is from Mayo clinic and appears to be very smart! He answered all of my questions and his bedside manner is great. He appears very understanding, most likely because his wife was diagnosed at the age of 32, just after they had married as well. He explained that I will have six weeks of daily radiation. I meet with the plastic surgeon Dr. Quinn on Monday the 21st to discuss my options. And then I have my 6th round of chemo on Tuesday, and I am very nervous but trying to be optimistic.
I will try to upload a video soon to, because I think it has been a bit since I have done that. I can't remember if I have posted a video of my complete baldness, I think that I have the guts to post one if I haven't already. I am fairly comfortable with my baldness now, I think it is because I don't have a choice and I am holding out on the thought that someday it will return. I will be honest, maybe one of the silver linings of chemo is the hair loss because showering is so much faster and I am lightening fast like a boy getting ready, not like I am going anywhere though!
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