I thought stiching my life back together after breast cancer would look prettier!

So on Monday Feb. 21st Sean, Sarah, and I ventured to the plastic surgeon's office to discuss what my options are.  In my mind's eye I had envisioned that reconstruction was going to be as if I were getting a nice boob job.  However, this appointment painted a very different picture for me.  Let's just say I cried many tears and it was an overwhelming emotional day.  Thank god I had Sean and my best friend Sarah with me! 

First of all, I walked into a plastic surgeon's office in Johnson county where the waiting room and parking lot were full.  I sat in the waiting room thinking about how all these other patents were lucky to have the choice for an elective surgery to make themselves more "perfect" and here I am just happy enough to get into the doctor's office without being chemo sick/tired, in "real" dress up clothes, as I hid beneath my awesome wig.  Really I was jealous and pissed at the other patients because they had a choice.  It is funny though, I was determined to get dressed in my best girlie outfit and put on good makeup and made sure my wig looked its best so that the doctor could tell that this reconstruction had to match my fabulous self, even though these days in what Sean calls my chemo life, I had not been feeling so fabulous and further more I am sure it meant nothing to the doctor what I was wearing that day.

So before I met the doctor we spent most of the visit with his assistant who described the procedure.  I think because I have not had my consultation regarding the mastectomy yet, that this appointment was much more overwhelming that what I had anticipated.  I guess that I didn't realize that the mastectomy was such a major surgery.  I didn't realize that I would have two drains attached to me and some type of pain pump as well. However, I was glad to hear that the plastic surgeon would be there during the mastectomy to insert the skin expander at the same time, so I would only have one surgery.  The other good thing is that the plastic surgeon has worked with my breast surgeon and radiation oncologist before and spoke highly of both.  I feel comfortable with this plastic surgeon as well because in the breast cancer community and the health care community he is also spoken of highly. 

Okay, back to the details of the overwhelming appointment.  They obviously allowed me to feel the silicone implant which was fine.  However, the skin expander was extremely weird.  I can describe it as the same shape of an implant, however, the outside of it is hard and comparable to the material a dodge ball is made out of.  They explained that they will fill it about 50-60cc every three weeks after I am done with radiation.  During my six weeks of radiation I will still see the plastic surgeon in order for him to monitor my skin integrity and the skin expander's response to the radiation.  They told me that they will fill the expander until I feel like I am at a bra size that I am comfortable with....my response was Jesus I will be filling for a year if I do it 50cc at a time every three weeks, they didn't disagree.  Another weird bit of information was that during my surgery placing the expanders they will also place some human cadaver tissue to rebuild a "shelf" for the expanders/implants to sit/build on.  They also informed me that after the cadaver tissue had been in my body for about 3 weeks that it would take on my own DNA and no one would ever be ever to tell it wasn't my own...weird.  I was able to see pictures of patients with and without the use of this cadaver tissue and without a  doubt I am going to use it because it looks more natural.  Well, since I mentioned pictures I might as well let you know that this is the part of the appointment that shit got real overwhelming, as if all of that was not enough.

The assistant pulled out the photo album of the breast cancer reconstruction pictures.  I was unpleasantly shocked!  There were so many scars, drains, tubing, and just unnatural looks.  I simply started to cry, I don't think I even said one word.  The assistant, Sean, and Sarah were trying to console me, but there were just tears!  The assistant asked if I wanted to stop, and if I needed some water, I adamantly shook my head yes!  I sat there and cried.  Sean held my hand and Sarah gathered clean and dirty Kleenexs

So then the assistant came back into the room, and of course I apologized for crying like a baby, and we finished with a few more questions.  I met the doctor, who was really great!  I loved him the moment he told me to go home and think about all of this material they had given me and then to make another appointment where he and I could just sit and talk, that was really awesome.  He knew it was emotional traumatizing for me.  He was optimistic that youth would be on my side and after he examined me he was sure things would be okay.  Still it was so much for me to take in, I felt like I wanted to cry for days. 

I have not had a drink of alcohol since my diagnosis in November but I quickly told Sarah and Sean we needed to go get lunch and I wanted either a beer for myself or I would sip theirs, of course they were quick to oblige!  As we drove to lunch I told both of them that I just needed to cry for a bit and then I would be okay.  They were both great, Sarah had a box of Kleenex in the car for me and Sean leaned his hand to the backseat and just rubbed my leg as I snot faced cried, it felt good. We had a great lunch, despite my state of shock.  I had my own beer, maybe two, then we came home and watched comedy skits to lighten the mood. 
So that was that, and now on to the next battle, who knows what it will be, but I will prevail, like it or not cancer!